Krunkanites (often referred to by humans as neds, chavs and urban cavemen) are a primative alien species from the planet Krunkia. They speak in a language known as Krunkrarian, a language so complex that it's not even available in the drop-down list on Google translator. They are usually about 4ft in hight. They are deformed but have a slight resemblence to humans.
Image of a krunkanite, seized by the RRTF
Their bodies consist of 61% krunkrarian slime. Krunkrarian slime is made entirely of living organic matter and is able to think like a living creature. When a human comes in contact with krunkrarian slime it can fuse onto him/her, making their victim think like a krunkanite while maintaining their human intelligence. No human has ever survived an attack by krunkrarian slime and converted humans end up working for Emperor Yunki. Krunkanites also have the tendency to explode at the slightest change in their body temperature. Once a krunkanite has exploded, the krunkrarian slime will slither away to find a human to convert into a krunkanite for it's new host. Krunkrarian slime is also a source of plutonium and humans may use it in their technology, but at their own risk.
make little (if even any) progress to evolve (for example, the
evolution of apes to humans). Instead, they tend to mutate, possibly due
consuming high levels of toxins. They do however, make gradual progress
to adapt to their home planet. The mentality of krunkanites ranges from
that of the Neanderthal (the subspecies of humans) to that of a 7 year
old human child. They are classed as a semi-sapient species since they have very primitive capabilities to manipulate tools, use language and solve problems. Krunkanites are also known display territorial
behavior, like animals such as cats and dogs. A tribe (or gang) of 10 to
30 krunkanites will often find an area, occupy it and mark it as their
territory. If an animal (particularly human) happens to be in their
territory, the entire tribe will go into a frenzy (like a pack of dogs)
and continuously kick their victim to almost death. Due to this, humans often see
the krunkanites as being cowards, since they appear to be timid when
they are without their tribe and by themselves.
Krunkanites are genitally challenged, meaning they have either male or female reproductive organs, so they reproduce by cloning using stolen technology stolen from other planets so they tend to look similar to one another. On planet Earth, they wear the same clothes, a Burberry cap and a blue Berghaus jacket. As for a "female" krunkanite, it's a red Berghaus jacket. But how can there be female krunkanites when all krunkanites are genitally challenged? There has been many cases of krunkanites getting human genital transplants. Sometimes male, sometimes female and occasionally both. All krunkanites share the same interests including modern music, games, TV shows etc, mobile phones, sex, drugs, and especially cigarettes.
The average krunkanite smokes around 99 packets of cigarettes per day and would attack (or rape) anyone or anything, including a pigeon, for a smoke. They have around the I.Q. of 0.1 so they might think a stick or a rope is a cigarette. This is the same story with calculators and mobile phones and so on. Krunkanites are so dedicated to smoking that exposure of a krunkanite to a no-smoking sign can cause a sensory overload. There have also been recorded cases of hyperventilation, exploding and suicides due to exposure of krunkanites to no-smoking signs. The main reason krunkanites aren't often seen without a cigarette is because they can't stand the clean air of planet Earth, so they use cigerettes as breathing masks. Money-loaded krunkanites such as Dr.Kilcarre, the cheif science officer of Induviduality Kills, uses a Krunkrarian gas mask as an alternative to cigarettes. Another reason krunkanites smoke is because they dedicate themselves to getting cancer, as part of krunkrarian culture. They believe that cancer is a sign of manhood and often wear tracheotomies and artificial voice boxes with pride.
technology is rather primitive. Krunkanites are known to use tools and
weapons of the Mousterian class. On Earth they use primative tools and weapons
made with stolen technology. Higher
class technology consists of parts from Earth (such as wooden planks or metal bars) which are put
together to make something larger, for example, the krunkanite equivalent to a
car, a flat box with tank tracks known as a Krunkarian trundlewagon.
Another example are badly designed machines known as PSAs. Both of these
examples are refered to by krunkanites as 'shoggy machines'. Most pieces
of Krunkarian technology use vacuum tubes (or valves) and usually run
on electricity, fussil fuels or nuclear power.
Image of a trundlewagon, the krunkrarian equivalent to a car
which is often considered as "high tech" in the planet Krunkia
Their Evil Plans
Due to their culture, a group of krunkanites lead by their "Emperor" leave Krunkia in search for other planets every 60 years. Once they find the ideal planet, they steal technology from the planet's inhabitants, build cloning facilities so they can take over the planet and eventually fulfill their main intention, to use the stolen technology to transform the planet into a giant cigarette. But one more question remains, who's going to smoke it? All of the krunkanites on the planet gather for a fight to the death. The last survivor of the fight smokes the giant cigarette and becomes the Emperor of the Krunkanites. Several planets in the universe have suffered from this fate, including planet Tishu.
Earth has fallen pray to an army of krunkanites codenamed 'The Mainstreamers' lead by Emperor Yunki. They built a massive cloning base known as Govan Hell, which is located in Stormy Govan, a krunkanite-infested area of Glasgow, Scotland. The cloning machines in this base can produce around 1 million krunikanites every 5 minutes in gangs large enough to populate entire countries, however only a small percentage of the krunkanite clones are born as the rest tend to explode in the cloning process.
Typical disguised krunkanites often found in Govan Hell
Armed and Mildly Dangerous
Krunkanites on Earth are often seen with crudely made disguise veils,
which gives them a small resemblance to whoever was used as their
cloning template. Many of them hang around in gangs of 10 to 30 and drink
Buckfast, which is actually liquid Krunkrarian slime in a bottle. They
are usually armed with bricks, bottles or metal bars. Some krunkanites
may also carry babyguns, which fire cigarette ends. Large numbers of krunkanites are often found near chip shops where they display typical krunkanite behavior. Chip shops are also the main suppliers of chips and brown sauce, the food for krunkanites living in planet Earth.
Disguised krunkanites in their unnatural habitat, Earth